blueollie

Goat Rant Two: how to get me to ignore your article, post, etc.

Ok, I know, I know, Mat, Mike, Tom, Carmen, Lynnor, Theresa, Lynn, Jennifer and others are saying “ok, how do you get him to ignore me?” ๐Ÿ™‚

Ok, here is how you do it.

Issues posts: when you post that article, be sure to say:

1. “shut up and listen”. Uh, no. I won’t do either. Yes, I know what you mean; there are some experiences that I am not qualified to judge (say, being a black person in the USA, being a woman in a mostly male environment; yes, I get that). But IF you want me to read your stuff, do not start with “shut up…”

2. “you have to stop doing this right now…” Uh, no. I don’t have to do anything you say. Now IF I respect your opinion to give it some thought, I’ll entertain the thought. But you are not qualified to tell me what to do. IF you want for me to change, you need to convince me. And saying “as a member of protected class X, I don’t like that” is not convincing.

3. “this is not ok”. Uh, no. Yes, maybe it isn’t ok, but I am not going to take your word for it, no more that I’ll take, say, the Bible’s word or some preacher’s word for it. If you want me to change and you have no direct power over me, you need to convince me.

Seriously, you are not entitled to my attention and you are not entitled to be taken seriously by me. And, if your message is counterintuitive, I am going to blow you off unless you’ve build up credibility with me, and that means having a record of being right much of the time. Your self assessment of your own wisdom and intelligence is NOT a credential.

Personal posts

Let me make this clear: I do think that having some trusted friends to talk things over with is a wonderful thing; I can’t value a “trusted ear that doesn’t judge you” enough. I think that there is a place to exorcise our inner demons. And there is nothing wrong with discussing your problems and challenges of the day.

But there is more…

I read a post that said something about “why do we have to justify our suffering to others..” that I wanted to respond to. I didn’t as I don’t know that individual very well. But I’ll give a generic response

1. There seems to be a “normal” response to various bad things that happen, and by “normal” I mean a “normal range” of responses that vary from person to person. So, if we see a friend or loved one who *appears* to be well outside of the “normal range” of response, they may well be a candidate for professional help…and such help may well make them feel better, which is the goal.

2. Relationships, as far as I am concerned, are a two way street. That doesn’t mean that they are symmetric; in fact they rarely are. Example: there are some friends where I am usually the one making the invitation; there are others where it might be more appropriate for them to do the inviting (or at least to solicit an invitation from me). There are some where I do most (all?) of the physical helping…etc.

But both people have to get something out of it. And if someone is always reacting to events “in crisis mode” or if they are always the one suffering and expect to receive support that they rarely, if ever, offer..well, again, in a friendship, both people have needs that should be met. This isn’t to say that some go through some very rough things (say, death of a family member, severe sickness, job loss, divorce, etc.) where they will be taking more than giving..FOR A PERIOD OF TIME. But overall, it has to be a two way street.

3. As far as two way streets go: of course one should be polite to friends. But if I find myself constantly having to walk on egg shells…forget it. That is more stress than the friendship is worth…that is a time where I say “I’ll leave their company for others to enjoy”. And if someone makes a habit of flaking out of invitations due to “social anxiety” or whatever, well, that is a “time to leave their company for others to enjoy”. An occasional broken date happens…it is unavoidable. But when I have to wonder if they will show…time to move on and spend time with those who are more reliable. Again, friendship is a two way street and if I can’t (within reason) count on them to show, they aren’t meeting MY needs.

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September 3, 2017 - Posted by | Friends, social/political

1 Comment »

  1. […] I posted a part I of this. Here is part […]

    Pingback by Goat Rant 4: how to get me to skip your post/article part 2 « blueollie | September 13, 2017 | Reply


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