It was 20 years ago today….


March 15, 1996, prior to our wedding (and subsequent pot-luck supper at the UU Church)


Us, this past November (2015)

So, we’ve made it 20 years. The betting line for the duration of our marriage was, oh, perhaps 1-5 years as I was her third husband and she was my second wife. And yes, we’ve had a few rocky patches and endured a few storm clouds (e. g. deaths of parents, family members facing serious challenges). But here we are.

The most important thing I’ve learned: relationships are inherently asymmetric, especially when people are at different places in their lives. Her kids are grown and have kids of their own; mine is still finishing college. She is retired and likes to travel; I am entering the “silverback” stage of my professional career. We have to make allowances for each other, and the allowances she makes for me are different than those I make for her. But that is the only way it can work.

And so, no, “Love” is not enough to “keep us together”, but it is enough to motivate me to work at it and to make compromises, even when it seems that I am making way too many of them. Yes, it DOES seem that way at times, but I remember that I am NOT an unbiased observer, and I tend to take for granted the compromises she makes for me.

Marriage is one thing where “keeping score” is profoundly unhelpful.


March 15, 2016 - Posted by | family |

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