blueollie

Good Site: My Third Eye Itches

If you take or teach yoga classes and don’t take yourself too seriously, go to the Yogadawg site if you want a laugh.

Here is a small sample of what you’ll find there:

From the “teachers section”

The Facilitator
The Facilitator will ask you your name before class, smile at you, ask if you have any injuries, use your name over and over and address you by name as you leave class. They are genuinely glad that you are there. If you have a question about a pose they will recite passages from ancient Hatha Yoga texts. The Facilitator can’t do enough for you. They comb your hair, straighten your shirt and brush the dandruff off your shoulder.
The Facilitator will also invite you to stay for tea after class and invite you home for dinner. They will walk you to your car as they ask about your life and aspirations. They may even end up sleeping with you.

The Whatever
This teacher could care less that you are there taking a class with them. They will be like the wind as they blow in and out of the class without even the smallest how-do-you-do. They show up late for class and leave early. The Whatever will go through the poses without pause, make no comments nor look at any of the students. They won’t demonstrate or participate in any Yoga poses. Instead they will sit on their mat and poke around until it is time to leave.
At the end of the class, the Whatever will leave the studio quickly while everyone is still rolling up their mats. You will not know their name as they could care less if you know it or not. You will be as clueless leaving the studio as when you stepped in. The Whatever though, will always be dreaming of becoming a Guru teacher during the time they vegetate in a Yoga class.

The High Touch
This type of teacher will do all they can to have physical contact with you. They will call this an “adjustment”. If you are averse to being touched, you should probably roll your mat up and leave then and there. You will be able to spot them before class because they will be the ones hugging and rubbing the shoulders of the students as they walk in. Once the class begins, you will be subjected to rubs, caresses and pecks on the cheek.
TIP: Don’t moan.

The High Tech
Otherwise known as the Tinkerer. You will recognize the High Tech teacher by the head phones they will be wearing as they enter the class. This teacher will be endlessly adjusting their MP3 player and laptop that is providing the music during the class. They will be a whirl of kinetic energy as they constantly move between their mat and their gadgets. You will find them occasionally in deep concentration pondering one or several of their devices in the same way another teacher might ponder a Yoga pose. They will occasionally forget that they are teaching a class and that any students are there.
Be prepared to find yourself holding poses for a very long time as the High Tech starts to text message someone and forgets you are there. You will start to suspect that they have forgotten as soon as your start to cramp up. It will be okay to drop into child pose at that point or even leave the class, as the Whatever has most likely forgot where they are and only remember after they have turned off and packed up all their gadgets.

[…]

From the students section:

The Spoiler
You will recognize this student by their top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex yoga shorts with matching Yoga tee shirt and Om symbol purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. Though not a Yoga teacher, they are, none the less, sufficiently above the level of the classes that they are taking. You will find them mostly in beginner Yoga classes. The Spoiler will walk into the classroom with a swagger, pose and preen, maybe even letting out a bored sigh as they set up their mat. They will always set up in front of the class, directly in line with the teacher. This is a strategic move as it offers maximum visibility for the other students. If the Spoiler gets there too late and sees that their prime space has been taken, they will usually turn around and go home. For fun, try to get to class early where there is a known Spoiler and take their prime spot. It was been known for them to walk around in circles confused to where they will set up.
The Spoiler will begin doing Yoga poses before the class even starts. This is a favorite ploy of their’s as they will try to strike their superiority early on. Once the class starts, the Spoiler will adapt advanced postures secure in the knowledge that the other students are mere beginners. There will be an occasional smile on their face as they think to themselves, “Damn, I’m good. Look at the rest of these losers.” The Spoiler will know the Sanskrit names of the poses and may even try speaking Hindi to the teacher. The Spoiler might even continue doing poses while the teacher is explaining something to the class or while the rest of the students are resting in Child Pose. They take great pride in demoralizing the other students in the class.

Inner Dialog: Damn I’m good. Look at me go. I am the greatest. Check out all the students looking at me. They know I am the greatest. Watch me do this pose while everyone else is in Child pose. I’ll get the teacher’s attention now. Hot dog, she’s looking at me. I’m bitchin’ today. Ah, screw it that everyone else is doing a forward bend, check out my headstand everybody. Damn, I’m the greatest…

The Poser
This student will often be confused with the Spoiler, as they also will have a top of the line Yoga mat, name brand spandex Yoga shorts with matching tee shirt and Om symbol purchased from the GreatTranscendentalYoga Superstore. The Poser will also strategically set up in front of the teacher like the Spoiler. They will ceremonially unroll their mat and take great care to align it just perfectly. They will carefully place a yoga non-slip towel on top of that and go through motions of smoothing out every wrinkles and bump. Lastly, the Poser will take a hand towel, also with an Om symbol on it, ordered from the back of EternallyBlissfulYoga SuperMagazine and place it at the head of the mat in perfect alignment.
The fun begins, once the class starts. Predictably, the Poser will start sweating within the first three minutes. They will stop to sop the sweat off their brow as everyone else is doing poses. Within the next five minutes, they will start to slow down as clearly this class is too advanced for them even though it is a beginner class. After fifteen minutes, they will start to slip and slide; possibly falling over. Twenty minutes into the class, they will be spent. They will spend the rest of the time mostly in resting poses. They will not hear the snickering from the other students as the Poser begins to groan and moan through the class. The Poser will sneak out of the class while everyone is in final resting pose. This student will never been seen in the same studio once they have been found out to be a Yoga Poser; but they will be glad that they got a free class out of the experience.
Inner Dialog: Cool, I’m in front of the teacher and everyone is checking out my cool, top of the line, Yoga mat from the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore. Okay, here we go..Whee, look at me doing this stuff, up I go, down I go, whoa, everyone is looking at me, I am good, this is so much damn fun.What!…what the f@&$ is this??? What is the teacher doing, I don’t know that pose.I thought this was a beginner class.this is bullshit.Now what is the teacher doing??? I can’t do that.damn everyone is looking at me.oh no I have to go into child’s pose. they are going to know I’m a poser.this sucks.I’m so depressed.I need my Prozac.I got to sneak out of here..

The $1,000 Classer
The $1,000 Classer is easily identified by their Yoga accoutrements. They usually fall within the Yuppie and BoBo (Bourgeois Bohemian) class. Their mat will be all natural and organic with a surface embedded with grasses from the plains of India, hairs from the Indian Rhino, peacock feathers and dropping from Monkey Temple in Jaipur, India (sanitized and de-odorized of course). This mat will be in a designer mat bag patterned with images of Yoga poses, seated Buddhas and symbols of Shakti and Shiva. They will be wearing designer name yoga clothes made from a mixture of organic hemp and flex. They will sport nifty yoga wristbands and even Yoga shoes.
The $1,000 Classer will be carrying a bottle of water whose bottle is a designer masterpiece. It will contain water melted from the polar ice cap drilled from a mile and a half deep. They will have had so much fun buying this stuff that they will also purchase a yearly, unlimited pass the first day of class. The $1,000 Classer will be secure in the knowledge that the pass will allow them to strut around for a year in their new yoga getup. They will be salivating at all the cool Yoga stuff they see in the Yoga shop within the studio. The $1,000 Classer, however, will end up only attending one class. What they had not counted on was:
Yoga is discipline
Yoga is work
Yoga is tiring
Yoga is sweaty and can make you smelly
Inner Dialog: Oh this is so much fun. I got to spend all this time shopping for all this cool Yoga stuff at the GreatTranscendentalYoga SuperStore and had a great time at the wine bar discussing Yoga with my girlfriends. I feel so smart because they didn’t know anything about Yoga and I just happened to buy EternallyBlissfulYoga Super Magazine so I could tell them about all the great ads and everything. I can tell they were impressed because they let me ramble on about mats and clothes and face creams and stuff and especially that Yoga Stud Muffin that is in every other ad.
Okay, good here we go, class is starting. Ah ha, I see stand up straight.okay this doesn’t seem so bad. Now bend over and touch my toes, hum, can’t seem to do that, oh well, stand up straight, I definitely have that down.a lunge?…okay, so I fell over, no big deal.do a yogic push up, you got to be kidding, lower down and do a cobra?…What the heck does this have to do with Yoga..do the dog? What is this, a kennel? Is anyone noticing my nifty yoga pants?? I’m getting sweaty.what another lunge, okay, okay.What do you mean again, you want us to do it again, what kind of a sick joke is this? I hate this. Why do I keep falling over? This teacher is a psycho bitch. Oh the teacher is saying something to me. she says I can stay in child’s pose.ah this is good, this is very, very good, yes now this is yoga.hum, so let’s see, after yoga I will call the girls over for our happy hour.got to buy that new dress that I saw at.I think the SUV is getting to small for me.I got to get my nail clipped.I sure liked looking at that Stud Muffin in EternallyBlissfulYoga Magazine.

[…]

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February 3, 2007 - Posted by | yoga

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